I’ve written and rewritten this post to many times to count. 14 months and 6 days ago was one of the hardest day of my life. I know it’s a difficult topic for most, and majority of people don’t know what to say….who would…it’s a horrific thing to go through…you lost your unborn child. That little belly of yours is growing no more.
Unfortunately for a large number of women, this is a very common problem…..yet for some reason, it is simply not talked about. Why does this need to be such an isolated experience? Shouldn’t we be open about our struggles? Join together to discuss our feelings? I originally posted about our misfortune last fall and I had a huge outreach of women who have also experienced loss. 1 in 4 will suffer, I am that statistic in my family, I am that statistic with friends.
I understand it is a difficult subject to talk about, even I, who has suffered two miscarriages over the last year would find it difficult to console someone in my shoes. I don’t believe there is ever a good thing to say at this time. The best way to be there for someone who has suffered a loss, is to do exactly that. Be there. Simply showing your support, don’t ask what you can do, just do it. Bring over a meal, maybe a cheesy movie, lay in your sweats and just be. Will there be laughter during the movie? No. Will they comment how delicious your meal was? Probably not…but those few hours will help distract her from her own thoughts and that support is what she will remember. People never want to ask for help, sometimes you need to step up to the plate on your own.
I remember in my early 20’s hearing about miscarriages. It was such a taboo topic…they happened to a friend of a friend maybe, but surely that won’t be my own journey. I would get married at X age, have 3 beautiful babies at X age and that was it. Ignorantly enough, even after the first miscarriage I thought “We will try again in a few months, get pregnant right away like we did with Nora, I will have another easy pregnancy, all will be well and Nora will still have a sibling close in age” In total denial that this could and would be my fate again one day.
When you’re having fertility issues and so desperately wanting a baby, it’s all you can think about. I felt (and still feel) so much guilt. Do I have the right to feel this way? I’m lucky enough to have one healthy baby girl, am I being greedy asking for another? There are so many amazing people in this world who don’t even have that. Would that be enough for me? If I never get the chance to carry another baby into this world, will I be happy? My emotions have been a roller-coaster to say the least, I appreciate the little things with Nora, soaking it all in. Seeing her face light up every time I pick her up from daycare, her tight hugs and nose kisses. It truly is the most special gift you can receive and one that I don’t want to miss out on while trying to have another.
Several months went by with no luck, we we’re nearing the one year mark on the loss of our unborn baby. My hormones we’re out of control, I was packing on weight left and right. Weight that I didn’t even gain while pregnant with Nora. My cycles were irregular, making it impossible to tell when I was ovulating. Stressing over each passing month, frustration with myself. Frustration with life. Frustration with my doctor’s telling me we can’t do anything until i’ve suffered a third time. It’s not likely that will happen they say. How is that fair? Buying, several hundred dollars worth of pregnancy tests over the course of the year. Testing frequently each month, buying every brand on the market in the hopes that one would show a little +. Pulling apart tests, because surely the plastic stick was not allowing the extra line to show. Taking tests out of the trash that sat there overnight because maybe it just needed some more time to show up. Downloading apps that will help tell you if your test is positive. Holding tests up in the morning light so the back light can help you see what you so desperately want. Reviewing way to many success stories after a miscarriage. Hoping that one day you will be that person writing the happy news. Strangers telling you that you NEED to get going on baby number 2… or my favourite (sarcasm) people telling you to “relax and it will happen” “Stop stressing and have fun” “What’s meant to be will be” “Go on a vacation, it’ll happen then” Honestly Carol with your four children, keep your opinions to your self, you don’t know how much I am struggling. Watching people’s face drop when I tell them what I’m going through. It never gets easier, and I vow to never ask the dreaded baby question to anyone ever again.
10 months after out first loss, I was driving to work when I was struck from behind totaling my SUV. Luckily I had just dropped Nora off at daycare and I walked away (relatively) unscathed. A few days after the accident, I was having horrible back pain. I went to visit my doctor and I found out I was pregnant. I was elated…with all my aches and pains I never realized I had any pregnancy symptoms. It was still very early in the 1st trimester and since I’ve had a previous loss I had to get blood work taken every 48 hours…..one week after the accident my HCG levels we’re dropping and I was now spotting. We lost the baby….my doctor couldn’t tell if the accident was the cause but I have now moved into a new category. I am still that 1 in 4 to suffer a loss, but now I’ve moved into 2% of women who suffer from two consecutive miscarriages in a row. 2% no words.
I went home with a different outlook on this journey. No longer was I thinking, we’ll get pregnant again quick, Nora will have a sibling so close in age as I did with the last miscarriage. This time I was thinking, why do we deserve this? We’re good people and good parents who can give a baby an amazing life. It’s not fair.
We should talk about our babies, both here with us now, and those who never get to see the world? Let’s try to break the stigma that is associated with miscarriage. If 1 in 4 women go through it, let’s join together and lift each other up. How can we expect people to be there for us if they if they don’t know what you lost?
I recently found this amazing local jewelry maker Seeded hope. They sell handmade necklaces for women going through fertility issues. For mothers day I bought the Mother to Ones in our Arms and our Heart. Loss of a child. A forget my not seed and a mum seed. Showing your baby brought into this world with you now, and the one forever in your heart.
At some point you need to be okay with what life gives you. Does that mean that while writing this I am okay with the prospect of never having another baby? No. Does it mean that I will pick myself up to make sure that I am the best mother to my beautiful daughter? Of course.
2 thoughts on “Forget Me Not….”
Thank you for being so honest. I had a miscarriage in June. I feel like this crazy women doing all the same things that you have been doing with pregnancy and ovulation tests. I’m pretty sure my husband thinks I am insane when I start taking pregnancy test before my missed period, in hopes that my HCG levels are just high enough to reveal that double line.
I find a get upset everytime someone announces that their are pregnant, not because I’m mad at them, but frustrated with myself that I can’t be there too.
I have hope for us. We will have our rainbow babies.
Sending my love from Virginia,
Lydia, Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I also have the same struggles with pregnancy announcements. I understand the frustration of wanting to be in their shoes so badly. Sometimes putting my phone down and just focusing on what is going on around me helps (a little). I also stock up on tests and try several days before my late period hoping that what it does happen my HCG levels will be through the roof and I will see those double lines. I know it’s not healthy to put so much pressure on myself, but I can’t stop. I also have hope, and I hope you share your journey with me along the way xo